Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
