I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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