I can tuck mytits in my pants
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
