You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Boobs speak an international language.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Randomize
