We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
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