If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
