I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
