I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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