True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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