I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
