The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Randomize
