If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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