i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
No more Irish car bombs ever.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
