can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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