if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
