i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
