Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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