I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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