sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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