I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
