last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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