Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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