she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
