I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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