Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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