We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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