i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
