Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
