There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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