Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
We just shotgunned beers for America
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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