It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
