Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
