You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
