Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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