My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
