i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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