I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
