she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
