worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
