On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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