he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
the liver wants what the liver wants
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
