i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize