Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
