I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
