The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Too much gin, very little bucket
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
