Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
