I need to stop coming to work sober
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
