What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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