My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
