Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
