This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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