I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
