just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
