he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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