Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
