"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
