i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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