The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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