my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize