dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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