New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize