if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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