honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
