how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
