I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
